Sunday, May 20, 2012

What do you want for lunch? I'll have a mental breakdown with a side of gravy please.

Because everything is better with gravy y'all.

Do you ever have one of those out of body experiences where you're looking down at yourself and wonder, "How did it come to this?"

Suddenly I was floating over myself as I laid in bed (because today was just one of those days were I thought to myself, meh, not worth can still go another day without acting like a functioning adult-- totally okay to still be lying in bed at 1:34 in the afternoon.) Which, to be fair, is like 1:34 in the morning to me because of my work schedule so when I think about it it really isn't that bad that I was lying in bed- not having showered, not brushed my teeth or hair, with possibly a food stain on my t-shirt- plenty of people do this. Let's not mention the fact that the vast majority of those people may possibly be homeless with a wide variety of mental illnesses. Scratch that. Homeless people wouldn't even have a bed to lie in so, really, I'm ahead of the game.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. I'm staring at myself lying in bed not showered, stained t-shirt, crazy unkept hair yelling at Luhvah about LeRoy Selmon's being the Anti-christ. The restaurant, not the man. I never knew the man- I'm sure he was a lovely person. So, there I am yelling about Selmon's food and apparently it's got a vendetta against my marriage because here it is trying to divorce me and Luhvah. Apparently Sweet Heat Chicken was made in the 7th ring of hell and well, that's pretty fitting because, see, Selmon's is the Anti-christ people so of course it would have a whole hell themed menu.

But I see myself crazily yelling about Sweet Heat Chicken and I wonder how exactly Luhvah and I are arguing about food. And I wonder to myself, "Can this possibly get any worse?"
But it can because I'm also thinking about how awful it is that we're arguing about food choices when so many people don't even have food let alone a choice of food and here it is tearing our marriage apart. First world problems. Oh, how they vex me.

And then, adding insult to injury, I wonder how exactly Luhvah is still married to me in the first place cuz I'm yelling about chicken and his choices and how pizza is that ex that nobody really wants but everyone falls back on when they feel insecure and ugly because the ex is always there hoping you finally finally love them but really it's just a ego boost because you're too emotionally stunted to behave appropriately and tell them the truth of the situation-that you're just feeling crummy and that you need to feel attractive and its easier to backslide with them- they are just your back up plan for down times.
Pizza, the ex-files ego boost. 

As I'm yelling about ego boost Pizza and Anti-christ Chicken I realize that it's amazing if this man can keep up with my nonsensical thought processes and perhaps I should cut him some slack cuz heck, at this point I'm a little concerned myself about where my mental stability lies so I should just shut up but does my pride allow that? Absolutely not. So, finally Luhvah just sighs and walks away leaving me to my convoluted reasoning.

And that's how I ended up spending the day reading a book alone in bed with only a stained t-shirt to keep me company.

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